Failure and Forgiveness

Peter loved Jesus. He loved him so much that he could not be separated from Him. He followed him everywhere and when Jesus escaped alone to a mountain to pray, Peter and the disciples would go searching for Jesus. When they found him, they would scold Jesus for worrying them, like some kind of neurotic mother of an adult son. He simply could not let Jesus out of his sight.


So it is hard to believe that Peter said these words,


"I do not know the man."


In the night before Jesus' crucifixion, when all seemed lost and the soldiers had come to take Jesus away, Peter denied him. Not just once, but three times. Peter was afraid and Peter failed. He failed miserably. After all his devotion and time and worries and questions, when the rubber hit the road, he ran and hid. He left his master alone to die.


I cannot imagine the agony he went through after his denial. The Scripture says that he broke down and wept. I can just picture it, a burly fisherman falling to his knees in the dark courtyard in Jerusalem, crying his eyes out. Crying because he failed.


What worse thing could you do than deny the one you love? Peter ruined his life.


Judas also failed Jesus by selling his friendship for gold and leading the soldiers to capture Jesus. But there is one crucial difference between Peter and Judas. When Peter failed, he did not despair. He waited. He stayed in his pain and in his failure.  Whereas Judas despaired and took his own life.


I have always believed that Jesus would have forgiven Judas, that even now, Jesus waits an eternity to break bread with Judas.  But Judas could not trust that forgiveness, not in this life.


I went to Oklahoma to speak this weekend. The Bishop told us a story about his childhood. When he was a very little boy, his mother would become violently ill.  The Bishop did not say what kind of illness took her, but he said that there were times, more than once, when his mother had to be rushed to the hospital. And the women of their small Episcopal church would come to his house, in the middle of the night, and they would care for him and his brother, fix them something to eat, tell them that everything was going to be OK, tuck them in bed. 


When the world felt like it was caving in, these women would come. And they would fill the emptiness and fear with their love. It is no wonder that when he grew up, he devoted his life to the church.


When everything fell apart for Peter, Jesus still loved him. Jesus loved Peter, even when he failed to stay. Even when he denied everything, Jesus still loved him and came back to him. For the Good Shepherd will always love the sheep, no matter how stupid we are. We can always turn around and come back to Him.


It was Jesus' forgiveness that changed Peter forever. Because once you realize that you have nothing to be afraid of, once you have realized that you already made your biggest mistake and God still loves you, then, well, then you are a force to be reckoned with.


Failure is not something to be afraid of. No, failure can be a great instrument of resurrection and forgiveness, especially if the one who fails speaks the truth and admits their mistakes.  Failure is not the adversary of Resurrection. Rather, the antithesis of Resurrection is despair.


If God can forgive and live eternally, then there is no reason for us to ever despair. And no decisions should ever be made when you are feeling bleak or hopeless. Instead, wait. Give it time and wait for the dawn.


When Peter saw Jesus on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, when he saw his Shepherd, he leaps into the water with courage and purpose, and from that moment on, he does not fail.


Listen to the Peter that we hear about in the Book of Acts. He is another person from the Peter of the Gospels. He is confident. He is faithful. He seems to have no questions but rather answers the questions of others. He even performs miracles in the name of Jesus.  He is changed forever by the power of forgiveness.


It really is that good, to be loved by God. There is nothing that God will not forgive. The Good Shepherd will go to the ends of the earth for the sheep. And once you know that, there is nothing to be afraid of.